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Cubs beat reporter room rater
The Cubs introduced Jed, but as always he wasn't the most interesting thing
The Cubs introduced their new President of Things Crane Hasn’t Already Botched yesterday and it didn’t just give us a chance to hear from Jed Hoyer. We got to Zoom with the reporters who cover the Cubs on a daily basis.
While Hoyer tried to dodge questions about whether or not the Cubs are going to non-tender Kris Bryant (they probably aren’t, but they just might), when he’ll hire a general manager to replace himself (he’s in no hurry because he knows there’s nothing to do in that job, and something about relocating people during a pandemic, or whatever) and whether or not the offense will be better next year (not better, but different—so maybe fewer strikeouts and more pop-ups to the catcher?), I found myself more amused by seeing our favorite Cubs reporters (and Gordon) in their sad, sad homes.
So let’s rate some rooms!
The Cubs always let Bruce Levine go first, not just because he works for their own awful TV network, but because they’re worried he’ll die if they make him wait. We’ve seen Bruce’s living room during his video conferenced appearances on Marquee, so we’ve become enured to the disembodied catcher he has nailed to the wall and those plants that haven’t been watered since Jerry Morales was dropping flyballs at Wrigley.
Room rater - 6 out of 10. The Babe Ruth “bust” looks like a cake topper the Cubs tossed in the left field dumpster and would it kill him to hang a picture on that wall?
Next up is Cheryl Raye Stout who covers sports for the nine WBEZ listeners who feign a passing interest in such banal pastimes. She apparently bought a gross of nails during one of Menards’ 11% sales and hung every picture she’s ever taken on those walls. I can only assume the big one directly over her head is Ryan Theriot. She also apparently thought that eye level for the camera on her laptop was six feet higher than the actual laptop.
Room rater - 5 of 10. Most of those frames are the same size, she could have at least tried to line some of them up.
Tony Andracki works for Marquee and like his network he’s not allowed to have anything remotely interesting.
Room rater - 1 of 10. I assume it’s a room. Could just be a couch in a car port.
You just know that every piece of furniture in Gordon’s home is an antique his grandmother left him. Or rather, his grandmother left him first chance to buy at her estate sale.
Room rater - 4 of 10. One of the things we know isn’t in that armoire is a comb.
A few things stand out about Jesse’s room. First, why does a bald guy need to wear a hat in his own home? Second, his shelves have books on them. Those had to have come with the house.
Room rater - 6 of 10. Photos don’t go on the top shelves unless you’ve invited Mike Smrek to come over and look at them.
Sahadev actually installed shelves for individual baseball cards? The photo over his left shoulder just screams “I’m putting this here just so it shows up in my Zooms.”
Room rater - 6 of 10. Mostly because I’m really confused about the sideways electrical outlet installed in the middle of the wall for no apparent reason. No way that’s code.
The Sun-Times’ Russell Dorsey looks like the conference call started while he was in the middle of moving into that place.
Room rater - 5 of 10. Maybe it was.
Are we sure Maddie Lee was at home for this? That angelic glow in the background could be from a window or, more likely, it’s the glare off of her NBC Sports Net teammate Dave Kaplan’s cryo chamber. You just know he had one installed right in the middle of the newsroom.
Room rater - 2 of 10. The whole thing screams, “I’m just making sure I get all of my security deposit back.”
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! What the hell was that? Did James Carville and Toby Jones have a baby that grew up to write for the Associated Press? Apparently that’s Ben Nuckols and that name sounds like the agent in charge of his witness protection assignment was having some fun.
Room rater - 1 of 10. “Hey, I’ll put the computer on the floor and then loom over it. It’ll make me seem more approachable.”
We get it, Mark. You went to USC. You’ve mentioned it once or twice.
Room rater - 6 of 10. He’s the only one with a lamp, and he’d have hung that Reggie Bush photo on the wall if Cheryl hadn’t bought up all the nails.
Jordan Bastian of Cubs.com appears to know the proper height to set the computer at, he’s got the cliche old time shot of the Wrigley Field marquee (which they probably gave him at orientation), and despite having both light switches on he’s got a very intimidating shadow looming over his shoulder.
Room rater - 7 of 10. The couch that appears to be a tribute to recently departed Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is an interesting choice. Rest in power.
Our good friend Paul Sullivan has it all. His walls either have a very trendy faux finish on them or that’s the result of substandard plumbing from the apartment above his. He’s got book shelves and a fireplace mantel. We get it Paul. You fancy.
Room rater - 9 of 10. Does this shock anybody else, or just me?
George Ofman uttered the words, “significant retooling” during the call and now I’m not sure if it referenced the Cubs roster, his home or him.
Room rater - 3 of 10. I hope he remembers to put the tattered moon blanket cover on the outside of that window A/C until for the winter, and what in the world is going on with that creepy Gomez Addams puppet on the book shelf?
Ladies, I saved him for last. I know these are scary times at the nursing home but Patrick is here to brighten your day. He’s got a Mr. Rodgers cardigan on, hasn’t shaved since Friday and he gave his laptop camera the Cybill Shepherd Moonlighting era Vaseline smudge to make everything look sultry (and blurry).
You can tell from the cord that disappears through the wall next to the window that he’s stealing cable from his neighbors (savvy move if they’re the ones paying for Marquee), and you just know he took that awful chair from a truck full of staging furniture that was idling outside of whatever Windy City Rehab brownstone that Alison Victoria was scamming this summer.
Room rater - 6 of 10. But two bonus points for being prepared. With snow in the forecast for today Mooney already has a couple of stakes with orange flags taped to them that he’ll tie to either side of the kitchen chair he uses to save his parking spot. 8 of 10.
So, in an upset that rivals the time Josh Phegley homered against the Cardinals, Paul Sullivan has the best Zoom room of any Cubs reporter?
Wait, we have a late entry.
Oh it’s just Tom. The woodwork’s fine, I guess. Tom bought a house in Wilmette for $7 million, tore it down and built a new house for $11 million. Then he sold his original Wilmette house to Porter Moser for $2.5 million. As one does. With access to any Cub crap in existence he picks a Clark bobblehead and a nutcracker?
2 of 10. Not enough photos of the time he pretended to meet his wife in the bleachers.