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Super Wild Card week is not really a thing, but let's get ready anyway
It’s not just Wild Card Weekend in the NFL anymore. (Did anyone ever call it that?) Now it’s Super Wild Card Weekend! And how do we know it’s super? Because a 7-9 Washington Foosball Team and 8-8 Chicago Bears club are somehow both in the playoffs. I mean, that kind of excellence just reeks of super.
Over in the AFC, things are so jam packed that the Dolphins went 10-6 and didn’t make the playoffs. Then again they gave up more than 50 points to a Bills’ team that wasn’t even trying to win in week 17, so…it’s probably not that big of a tragedy. And, thanks to Bill O’Brien’s panic trade for Laremy Tunsill, the Dolphins have the third pick in the draft this spring from Houston. No wonder Deshaun Watson wants out.
Speaking of Watson, he’s so mad at Texans owner Cal McNair for lying to him about including him in the search for GM and head coach (something McNair offered to Deshaun unsolicitedly and then went back on) that he’s now asking to be traded.
And, Deshaun started following two Chicago weather guys on Twitter last night:
Anyway, well connected football scout guy Greg Gabriel wants you to know it’s all nonsense:
And Greg’s never wrong (this was Tweeted after we all knew the Bears were going to New Orleans)
Anyway, we’re here to talk about the playoffs. And, I’m sure Mitch will light it up so much that Bears fans will stop clamoring for Watson, anyway.
Colts (11-5) at Bills (13-3), Bills -6.5
This could be Phillip Rivers’ final game before he finally retires to take a high school football coaching job he already has, and fulfills his dream of coaching all 17 of his kids. The Bills might well be the best team in the NFL this season, as long as DeAndre Hopkins doesn’t sneak into the end zone at the end of Saturday’s game.
The Bills won their last six games and their last loss was that ridiculousness in Arizona. If Hopkins doesn’t catch that, the Bills would have gone into the playoffs on a ten game winning streak.
How good are the Colts? They’re the last time to beat the Packers, and they beat the Nick Foles led juggernaut Bears early in the season. So they’re pretty good. This could be an awesome game.
Bills 38, Colts 27
Saturday, 3:40 p.m.
Rams (10-6) at Seahawks (12-4), Seattke -3.5
The Bears had two paths to the playoffs on Sunday. They could beat the Packers (hah!) and get in, or they could get in if the Rams’ could win their final game without their starting quarterback. Why didn’t the Rams have their regular quarterback?
It’s complicated. See, Buck Henry and James Mason accidentally let Warren Beatty die in a bike accident decades before he was really supposed to die, so they had to put him in Vince Ferragamo’s body instead and he fell in love with Julie Christie. Wait, was that Sunday or was that Heaven Can Wait? No, that’s right, it was the movie when Warren proved he can’t throw a football more than six yards (just like Mitch) and the Rams win the Super Bowl when he goes all John Shoop and throws a short pass to a fullback in the final seconds but then picks up a fumble and runs 40 yards for a TD as time expires.
Oh, sorry. Spoiler alert.
Anyway, the real backup Rams QB is John Wolford and he was more than enough to beat the hapless Cardinals on Sunday and help the Bears back up the playoff truck. And there’s a chance Wolford might start again this week in Seattke, given that the regular Rams’ QB is Jared Goff, who had to put his thumb back in its socket in the last matchup between the two teams. Goff had thumb surgery last week but might be ready on Saturday.
But you know, Goff sucks. So just pick the Seahawks.
Seattke 24, Rams 14
Saturday, 7:15 p.m.
Buccaneers (11-5) at Washington Footballers (7-9), Bucs -8.5
Why is NBC wasting the prime Saturday night slot on a losing NFC East team without a nickname? Well, because the other team has Tom Brady, and Tom Brady is handsome.
Also, this is Redskins’ quarterback Alex Smith’s leg:
I’ll be right back, I’m going to go throw up a little.
I know Mike Evans got hurt trying to pad his stats on Sunday so he could get another 1,000 yard season and I know that Antonio Brown is a deplorable, awful, mentally unstable scumbag, and I’m pretty sure Leonard Fournette naps under the bench during games, Ron Rivera beating cancer during the season is an amazing story and Redskins’ rookie defensive end Chase Young is awesome and oh, and this is the Bucs’ coach:
Buccaneers 28, Redskins 10, Alex Smith 2 legs (we hope)
Ravens (11-5) at Titans (11-5), Ravens -3
The Ravens were 6-5 and stuck in dreaded “in the hunt” status and then won five straight to slide into the playoffs. So they must be really good now, right? Well, four of those five wins were against the Cowboys, Jaguars, Giants and Bengals, so maybe not.
The one big win was that Monday night game in Cleveland when Lamar Jackson waddled in off the bench like Roy Hobbs to win the game. Well, if instead of getting shot by Barbara Hershey and playing with the aftermath of years of a bullet being lodged in his gut, Roy just really had to take a big shit.
Look, nobody likes a good poop story more than I do. But I’m not 100 percent sure that Jackson was lying when he said it was cramps, of the arm kind not the bowel kind, that forced him into the locker room during the big final moments of the game against (of all teams) the Browns.
Here’s why. For whatever reason the field was super slippery that night and Jackson and other Ravens had to change into longer cleats for the second half because they were just falling down on the grass. So, when Lamar had to go be treated for his cramps he had to waddle on the cement floor in the tunnel because he had like two inch cleats on his shoes sliding on the cement, which made it look like he was trying to clench his cheeks to keep from crapping his pants, see:
Right? Nah, he had to shit. That’s how Pat Hughes jogs to his “resting spot” after the bottom of the fourth every game.
The Titans are good, and they’re home and they are the underdogs? The Ravens were really good last year and the Titans slapped them around in the second round of the playoffs. The Ravens aren’t that good this year.
And, what if Lamar has to poop again?
Titans 28, Ravens 17
Sunday, 3:40 p.m.
Bears (8-8) at Saints (12-5), Saints -10
The Saints stud running back Alvin Kamara is in COVID isolation and unable to attend practice, so the team has installed a fancy video hookup at his house so he can virtually attend practices.
The source said Kamara has a live video decoder at his home to watch practice and can hear coach Sean Payton, who has a microphone to guide Kamara through plays.
The Saints insisted on having the source remain anonymous because he or she told ESPN that the team let Alvin borrow one of these?
Football coaches are the worst.
Anyway, if Kamara doesn’t play, the Bears might have a chance since Drew Brees can’t throw the ball overhand anymore and Michael Thomas hasn’t played in a month.
But, Kamara’s going to play, and there’s a good chance Roquan Smith isn’t going to, and Darnell Mooney might not, and worst of all, Mitch Trubisky IS going to play.
It’ll be Mitch’s last game as a Bear.
Anyway, Alvin did this to the Bears with Roquan playing, imagine what he’ll do without him?
Saints 31, Bears 9
Browns (11-5) at Steelers (12-4), Steelers -3.5
NBC’s other prime time game this week is this piece of garbage. On one hand you get an annoying Steelers’ team quarterbacked by a 300 pound two-time accused rapist, that hasn’t played more than 15 good minutes of football in five games, against a team so ravaged by COVID that they have practiced once in the last eight days and their head coach will be in quarantine during the game.
The Browns haven’t been in the playoffs since 2002 when they also played the Steelers and it was so long ago that the coaches were Bill Cowher and Butch Davis. The quarterbacks were Tommy Maddox and Kelly Holcomb and Cleveland blew a five point lead with :54 left when Chris Fuamatu-Ma’afala scored on a three yard run.
Maddox and Holcomb combined for more than 800 yards passing and six touchdowns.
I would love for the Steelers to lose, but, come on.
Steelers 17, Browns 10
Don’t forget to check out this week’s podcasts.
Mike Pusateri and I broke down the Packers debacle and look ahead to the Saints game which is being simulcast on Nickelodeon which is why it’s titled “SpongeBob DrewPants”, and Mike Donohue and I looked back at the previous two playoff games between the Saints and Bears and I watched the entire 1991 matchup which was a terrible game that I thoroughly enjoyed.