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A fool proof way to re-sign Kyle Schwarber at a discount
When the Cubs pull this off, they'll have only me to thank
What is that photo about? Oh, you’ll find out.
If you’re just getting around to Christmas shopping you can either treat yourself to a discounted subscription to this newsletter
…or you can get gift subscriptions for all of your friends…or enemies. I don’t mind either way.
Anyway, the baseball lockout is a week old and the guys seem to be doing just fine so far.
Really, there’s no better place to get investment advice than on Twitter. It’s a fool-proof plan.
But mostly, the thing I’ve been ruminating about the most this week was that our large adult son apparently is seeking a three-year, $60 million contract whenever the lockout finally ends.
What? Well, if you can’t trust bosoxinjection.com, who can you trust?
I’m sure that’s too rich for the Cubs’ blood. I mean, they signed Clint Frazier to wander around their outfield letting his hair grow, and I’m pretty sure they’re just paying him in scrunchies.
But if the money’s not right, how could you lure Schwarber back to Chicago?
Well, I’m glad you asked.
Nobody loves to pretend he’s a fireman more than our pal Kyle. And when he played left field at Wrigley he was mere steps away from an actual firehouse. Oh, you know he loved it. One time, Kyle Hendricks had to step off the mound because the sirens were going off and Schwarber had just abandoned his spot in left to run down to the right field gloryhole to try to see the trucks drive by.1
So my idea is simply this. Offer Kyle the league minimum. But also, BUY HIM A REAL FIRE TRUCK.
You know he’d go for that.
Now, you’d have to actually have the truck there when you offered it to him. Even Kyle knows he could buy his own. But if you stand in the parking lot with the league minimum contract in one hand and the keys to the fire truck in the other and just jingle them at him. He’s going to look at the truck and then the keys and then the truck and then the keys, and his agent is going to be screaming at him, but Kyle’s not going to hear any of it. He’s just going to sign that contract, grab those keys and climb into the cab.
So, what’s that going to set you back?
Well, according to Fenton Fire, the price of a brand new fire truck can vary greatly, depending on what kind of options you want on it.
Do you want a fire engine so Kyle can hook up the hose and go dousing?
Do you want a ladder so he can cruise around the neighborhood looking for cats to save from trees or frisbees to get off roofs?
Do you think he’d rather have a tanker so he can be ready to either supply the water to put out a fire at a neighborhood day care, or fill his brother in law’s new swimming pool?
Do you think he’d go nuts for a wildfire truck, one that has a big water cannon on it? You bet your ass he would. There’s a pretty good chance he destroys his house trying to “wash” the windows with that thing.
Fenton Fire says a new fire truck is going to set you back anywhere from $200,000 to a million bucks. I mean, you’re already saving about $58 million by paying him in fire truck instead of money, so it shouldn’t matter. But you know the Garbage Family That Owns The Cubs™ won’t want to spring for that.
Apparently, used fire trucks are a tremendous value. They can range on the high end at $500,000, but can be as low as $15,000.
Good lord, what does a $15,000 fire truck look like?
I mean, this, I guess:
But come on, buck up. Buy Kyle a new fire truck. You’re basically getting a free DH in the deal. I mean, there’s the risk that he’ll just leave games to go get in the truck if he think he smells smoke, but it should be fine. Just imagine Kyle with a real fire truck, it’s tremendous.
Kyle (wearing American flag shorts, his batting practice jersey and a fire hat at all times): Honey, do you need anything from the store?
Paige (his wife): No. Not really.
Kyle: Are you sure? How some milk? We can always use more milk.
Paige: Fine. Get some milk. But don’t take the fire truck, it uses $800 worth of gas to go six blocks.
Kyle: I don’t know. I don’t want to risk it.
Paige: Risk what?
Kyle: What if the grocery store is on fire when I get there? I’d have to come all the way back to get the truck, and small children and most of the liquor department could be lost before I could get back. I guess if you want that on your conscience…
Paige: Fine, whatever. Take the fire truck. And the dog.
Who am I to make fun of Kyle’s hobby? This week, I ended up in Brian Grubb’s “Can cousin Greg from Succession dunk a basketball?” rabbit hole.
Brian’s not asking if Nicholas Braun, the 6’7 actor who plays everybody’s favorite overpriced watch wearer on the show, can dunk a basketball. Because he most certainly can.
I mean, of course Nicholas can.
He just took his mom to a Knicks game.
Twelve years ago he Tweeted this for some reason.
And yes, we have video proof of him playing basketball and he looks like a guy coordinated enough to easily be able to dunk at his height.
But what about cousin Greg? I agree with the folks who hypothesize that alone in a gym, Greg can dunk. But if any of the Roys showed up…ANY of them, his confidence would sink so fast he would no longer be able to touch the net.
But, I do think there’s a scenario where Tom Wambsgans shows up to be supportive of Greg’s attempt.
But really he’s there to exalt in Greg’s continued failure.
And overplay his hand…again. Infuriating our big, smooth, dumb boy to a successful slam dunk shot attempt.
There. Now YOU have also spent too much time wondering if cousin Greg can dunk a basketball.
Oh, and why yes, I did just write “slam dunk shot.” Thanks for noticing. I honestly think it’s something that should be brought back. “Dunk” seems so perfunctory now. “Dunk shot” is better and clunkier, and it sounds like something Chuck Swirsky has to literally spend 20 minutes before every game staring in the bathroom mirror reminding himself NOT to say. But add slam to it? Now we’re talking.
Who wouldn’t like to pull up a chair to watch the newly fun again Bulls make some “slam dunk shots?” I know I would. And, I know you would, too. Because we already do.
I have watched that Lonzo Ball pass in the second highlight like 800 times and it never gets old. If the Bears offensive line could have adequately protected him, I’d have insisted the Bears play Lonzo at QB against the Cardinals instead of the immortal Andrew Gregory Dalton. (I wonder if that cousin Greg can dunk?)
If you missed either of our pods this week, you need to remedy that.
We had a special Remember This Crap where we rewatched the Bears-Packers game from week seven in 1985. You might remember a little about that one:
And we had our regular weekly Bears postmortem on the Cardinals and look ahead to (gulp) Sunday night in Lambeau.
Is this true? No. But the fact that it seems like it probably happened is good enough.