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Let's rate the 'free' crap the Cubs are giving away
The Cubs promo calendar is out, and the post making fun of it is too long this is just part one
There was once a time when the Cubs had to populate their schedule with promotions and giveaways to get suckers into the stands. Who among us didn’t circle floppy hat day, or picture day, or the Old Style Opener on our magnet schedules? Well, with almost every one of their good players playing in some other city, or retired, or in Addison Russell’s case dodging subpoenas in the Mexican League1, if they’re going to get us to spend our hard earned money to watch this team, they’re going to have to give us some crap.
So let’s take a look at the 2022 promotional giveaway schedule.
Saturday, April 9 v. Brewers - Knit Glove Koozie
We’re not off to a great start.
Sunday, April 10 v. Brewers - Canvas Tote Bag
Whether you’re headed to the Indiana Dunes to swim by that “water treatment plant” that’s clearly a nuclear reactor, or you’re buying generic beer at Aldi, this bag can serve all kinds of purposes. Just don’t ever try to bring things in it back to Wrigley, it’s too big to get through security.
Saturday, April 23 v. Pissburgh - 1984 Replica Road Jersey
They should have Rick Sutcliffe throw out the first pitch right by Joe Orsulak before this game. A button-down version of this jersey would make a much better road alternate than the stupid crawling bear one they’ve been wearing for the last 20+ years. Anyway, I hope they aren’t blank on the back. Every Cubs fan should get one of these with the best player on that team’s name and number on it.
VERYZER - 29
Saturday, May 7 v. Dodgers - David Ross Bobblehead
First off, it looks like he’s wearing Cousin Eddie’s shoes from Christmas Vacation (he probably has the dickey on, too). Second, one of the things I love is when teams offer a bobble that is clearly reusing a mold from some other guy that the bobblehead manufacturer still has laying around. That looks nothing like David Ross, but it looks quite a bit like Joey Votto. Honestly, I’d rather have Votto manage this team. I think I’d rather have this bobblehead manage this team.
My favorite repurposed bobble was also a gameday giveaway. Check out this “Kerry Wood” that was clearly AJ Burnett in a previous life:
Sunday May 8 v. Dodgers - Pink Out t-shirt
Nothing wrong with the sentiment, I just worry that the breast cancer awareness message will be misunderstood by the bleacher Chads and more of them will spend the game with their hands down their own pants than usual.
Friday, May 20 v. D’bags - Cubs Sunglasses
Wear a poncho. It’s a scientific fact that the average Wrigley Field rainfall on Cubs sunglasses day through the years is 6.8 inches. It’s basically going to rain the equivalent of Kenny Pickett’s hand size that day. And you won’t even remember that you left your free sunglasses in a puddle somewhere near Sports Corner until two days later when you’re driving and the sun finally comes back out.
Saturday, May 21 v. D’bags - Patrick Wisdom Bobblehead
This would be a pretty cool bobblehead if not for the stupid City Connect navy blue pajama uniform on it. But the bobble captures Pee Whiz’s stubble, his gold chain, the celebration that Patrick does after every strikeout, and the fact that you can put it on a bookshelf in your house and sometime in July you can look at it and go, “Holy shit, remember that guy?”
Friday, June 3 v. Cardinals - Flat-billed cap
This is quite…something? It has the old horizontal logo that I think we all associate with a Vine Line feature trumpeting the coming wave of great Cubs sluggers like Robin Jennings, Ozzie Timmons and Eddie Zambrano. What is with the yellow bill? Honestly, that hat looks like it should have a propeller on it. Even Chad Cordero wouldn’t wear this.2
Monday, June 13 v. Padres - Cowboy hat
You know a giveaway is quality when you show it to Marlene Ricketts and she can say, “Oh, it looks just like my gardening hat!”
Friday, June 17 v. Barves - Tie dye shirt
You can just look at this shirt and tell that the first 12 times you wash it, it will turn every other thing in the washing machine blue. I also appreciate the design, which does a stunning good job of making the graphic on the front and back completely illegible.
Thursday, June 30 v. Reds - Shoulder cooler
It’s one of those six pack tube things where if you use it like it’s designed all of the ice ends up at the bottom and five of your beers are luke warm. It also says Cubbies on it, which is obnoxious.
Wednesday, July 13 v. Orioles - BBQ Tool Belt
They’re the same picture.
Friday, July 15 v. Mets - Bucket Hat
There’s that old Vine Line logo again.
This hat will come in handy if Al Neri ever asks you to go out and do a little twilight fishing with him.
Monday, July 25 v. Pissburgh - MLB Network Tote Bag
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Nobody’s seen the tote bag yet. Which makes it just like every show on MLB Network.
For part two of this epic feature on Cubs crap, go here.
Not really sure about that one.
Of course Chad Cordero would wear it.